What a rough fucking week for real. I can’t even process it… my practicum supervisor is of minimal help to me in most ways however, my graduate assistantship supervisor is beyond helpful. I missed 1.5 meetings this week due to forgetfulness (showed up late to my advising meeting). And therapy today was a bit difficult. I’ve been restless all week too… yet so exhausted. It’s been an adventure.
Now I am going to eat, study, and then finally fucking relax with a friend. Thank goodness for weekends… that’s all I’m saying!
And then next week…. I get to see my love, Phillip. We will be going to my dads camp to celebrate our 1 year! A weekend away sounds so good… I can’t wait!!!!
So, I had my big appointment today with a psychologist to go over results and I don’t think I was prepared to handle any of it… a bit of denial eh? I was all prepared to go in and him be like you have ADHD and some mood issues. Well, we ended up talking about my mood… and he doesn’t think I have ADHD, which isn’t a bad thing per se. I just didn’t realize how much work I still have to do on myself to be at a point where I’m okay with myself. And realizing that and admitting that to myself was what I was not prepared for. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I just hadn’t realized how much I was beating myself up for things I thought I had dealt with already… I just didn’t realize how much I was suppressing; how much I still have left untouched. Here I thought I had grown and become such a better person, which I have, but the journey isn’t over. Diagnosis: Depression and Anxiety…. fun day. I made an appointment for a therapist and a psychiatrist. I never saw myself as someone who would be taking meds for a mood disorder but with the help of a therapist I think I’ll be able to make some progress. I’m hopeful… just damn, it was a rough day.
Today I went through my clothes and re-organized my entire wardrobe. It was about time! I couldn’t find anything and I felt like I had no clothes but my messy closet, which was filled to the brim, told me otherwise. After organizing my clothes based on type (shirts, dress pants, denim, capris/shorts, sweaters, dresses/skirts, etc) and season (All Season, Spring/Summer, Fall/Winter) I have made a pile of clothes to be put in my closet, clothes to be put in Fall/Winter boxes, and I officially have a hefty pile of clothes that will be donated/thrown away! Now my closet is an organized beauty and I’m relieved and happy.
In middle school and early high school I would characterize myself as depressed and lonely. For so long I thought the feelings I felt would never go away. My old journals reflect this. I called myself disgusting. I told myself that no one would ever love because they wanted to. I also thought to myself a few times that maybe the relief I wanted would never come until I died. I remember that one day when I came home from school and my mom was still at work. I remember holding a sharp blade to my wrist as the calm, collected self turned into a hot mess with blurry vision of the never-ending tears. I also remember the thoughts of my Mom and my Dad and my dog and how if I ended it now that I would never see them again and for the first time in my life I also realized how much I would be missed by them. This allowed me to step away.
It also allowed me to gain some relativity about life.
Turns out all of those thoughts I had about life and about myself changed within the next few years. I realized that I was worth a whole lot more than I was giving myself credit for. I have realized that thoughts are ever-changing, emotions are ever-changing, and life is ever-changing. If it’s ever-changing then whatever we are feeling right now will adapt, alter, change, grow, and evolve. There will never be a time in our lives where we aren’t facing a new challenge or a new problem. And our ability to handle those problems changes and evolves too. Turns out we learn and grow. Turns out no one is perfect.
We need to each individually examine our own lives and look at our past of growth. Things get easier. We are able to handle much more than we think we can. The human spirit will carry us forward. Those lessons we have yet to learn will make us stronger.
Don’t give in to those thoughts that weaken you and start paying attention to the thoughts that give you strength.
No one else in the world can make your life easier for you. But you can learn and grow stronger and realize that life isn’t meant to be easy… it’s meant to teach us about ourselves and about the capabilities of the human spirit.
This is my handsome man. He lives in Pittsburgh and while I’m in school I live in Edinboro, roughly 2 hours away. We’ve known each other for about a year and we’ve been dating for a few months. It’s been pretty rad. Over break we were finally able to be together regularly but now I’m back at Edinboro for the Spring semester. He is quite amazing… very funny… so sexy… gentle and kind… a wise but young soul… he supports me and encourages me… and I just love him.
As a child: my parents weren’t together; I didn’t have biological siblings but gained a brother and sister through my dad’s marriage; I lived in the city and the country; I enjoyed reading, role play and puzzles; I witnessed my mom date a few diverse women and men and even lived with a couple of them; I saw my mom wrestle with depression, my dad wrestle with ADHD and manic depression and my step-mom wrestle with anxiety; I grew up going to AA and NA meetings and retreats with each parent as they continued their recovery; I had a hard time sustaining friendships because of moving a few times; I went from an active child to an apathetic adolescent; I was depressed in middle school and gained a lot of weight and lost almost all of my self-esteem; I loved camping and anything to do with the outdoors; I gave myself to Jesus Christ after becoming quite involved with a youth group; I loved to bake and plan birthday parties; and I played the cello and loved orchestra.
In high school, I read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Essay on Self-Reliance and continued to play the cello. I joined the Family, Career and Community Leaders of America. I got involved with the A/V club and stage crew. I began to think of my future which included graphic design or some type of creative field. I decided that I no longer believed in a higher being.
In college, after a year of art classes, I had simultaneously learned about psychology, sociology, and philosophy. I also learned about my worth. I realized I had something to offer this world and I really wanted to help people through adversity. I changed my major to psychology and re-read Emerson’s Essay on Self-Reliance. I began to recognize my spiritual journey and realized even without a religion, spirituality still existed. I got a job in the student union, got involved in student government, then a job as an Orientation Leader and then as a Resident Assistant. I attended a leadership conference in D.C. I became vice-president for a feminist organization and then became president for a semester where I attended a social justice conference. I then organized a campus-wide, feminist event about self-love. I then had an epiphany that I could pursue a career in student affairs and then continued to struggle through college until I earned a B.A. in Psychology - Developmental Track, a minor in Women’s Studies, and a minor in Speech Communications.
Really?! You think someone would catch the hint…. and I’m definitely not going to respond to “wazzzzzup”. This shit-for-brains is insane. FYI I went to highschool with this kid back in 2007 and we weren’t friends. lol