This semester turned out to be a time for a great deal of thought, evaluation, and attempt at change. August started out fast paced and full of anticipation. I had a new job at my University, an interesting class schedule, and was hoping to accomplish both smoothly. Did that happen? Of course not. The job has been great, but interesting. My coworkers are an array of characters, and I’m glad to have had a chance to get to know them. But no one told me how difficult it would be to balance school work and my social life all while being a rule-enforcing, role-model for some 40 odd girls (most of whom are freshmen). I like to think I did okay but lets face it, I could have done a way better job at being a role model for them. It was fun being the “cool” RA for a while but that wasn’t the reason I wanted this job in the first place. I wanted to help them through this tough transition in life and be somebody who they could look to for advice. But I started to struggle in areas of my own life and I found it hard to be there for others when I myself, needed someone’s help and advice. I did have a chance to produce a lovely event on our campus about some feminist issues that was a success but that was my high for the semester.
I struggled horribly for self-motivation these past three months. More so then, than I had in a long time. I found myself not being able to even get out of bed. I was in what I called “a funk.” At one point I believe I missed 2 weeks worth of classes in a 3 week span. I felt myself falling to the point where I wouldn’t be able to get out of this rut. Thankfully I finished the semester with a 3.37 gpa. I don’t know how I pulled it off, and I’m not proud of myself for it.
I started thinking about life in all this “spare” time I really shouldn’t have had. A fellow floor mate and I began to have those life talks that could be quite depressing to some. The friendship I now have with her is something I look forward to cherishing. We had some interesting conversations. We discussed suicide, death, religion, life, ignorance, humanity, philosophy, and psychology. They were great and we challenged the way we thought. At first I found myself finding no motivation in this warped life of ours but soon I pushed through that pessimism to where I am now. When you start questioning life’s purpose/motivation/drive you start to question your identity. My identity was floating above me and around me but I couldn’t feel and own it. It was just out of reach and I felt lost. For about a week I wondered why I was even college but I’m glad that passed by.
I’m not going to go into how I feel about all the issues I had been thinking at this moment (hopefully my blog as a whole can show you that) but I will tell you this, this is it. Think about the across-the-room-eye-contacts with someone you’ve never met. Think about laughing with friends. Think about a loved one hugging you and you realize you haven’t been really hugged in a long time. Think about the friends that have been in and out of your life that you won’t ever forget. That is it. That’s what is here in our lives, right now; relationships. And whether we want to admit it or not, we all need them. Without interaction, love, gossip, drama, hugs, sex, awkward moments, and understanding… life would be meaningless. It’s all about the game of life. We get the cards we’re dealt and we play them. Sometimes we’ll be on a winning streak and sometimes we won’t. But it’s the game that makes it worth while.
Politics, families, educational systems, capitalism, consumerism, anarchy, what have you, it’s all a part of life. We learn to adapt or change every day to different circumstances. That’s what it’s all about. You play the game and one day its over, but the player goes down in history no matter how small your part was. Someone will tell your story the way they knew it but no one will ever live your exact life.
So what’s my point? I don’t exactly know. Just remember that you are the one who wiggles your own toes. You are a capable machine that can do amazing things and lead extraordinary lives. I too need to remind myself of this all the time. I need to remember that this mundane life doesn’t need to be that. I am in school to increase my opportunities and to meet people. I could always move to some remote location if I truly wanted to and become one with nature and write a book in the woods but do I really need to? I just need to realize that some things aren’t worth worrying about.
In conclusion, if anyone actually reads this I’m sorry for taking out a chunk of your time if you end up finding this not worthwhile. I guess I needed to just write all this down somewhere. My journal is currently upstairs.
Let me know your ideas about life… I’m curious to know what they are?